This last week
has been a busy one. On Tuesday the 14th July it would have been the
84th birthday of my mum Dorothy Thornton. I
bought plants and flowers and some sparkly birthday table decorations and with
my friend Vanessa travelled to Coverack for the day to visit the graveyard
where my mum and my dad are buried.
The day my
mum died my life changed forever, not just because I’d lost the most
significant person in my life but also because I’d lost another part of my
identity. As I’ve written previously I am a widow and sadly have never achieved
biological motherhood. Having no siblings I don’t know anyone else with a
similarly ‘rootless’ identity. And yet, I feel lucky to have in my life a
number of VERY significant others; close friends and extended family members.
One term for unrelated family is ‘fictive kin’. But despite agreeing with
others who suggest that the word ‘fiction’ no longer equals falsehood and the opposite of
‘truth’ I struggle with the suggestion that fictive kin are ‘unreal’. So I prefer ‘family of choice’ and ‘friends as family'.
Some of my most significant others came with me/I
met at the annual summer conference of the British Sociological Association
Auto/Biography Study Group which took place in the beautiful Dartington Hall in
Devon Thursday 16th-Saturday18th July. The theme of the conference
this year was Formal and Informal education: lives, works and relationships and although we worked hard sharing our work and commenting on each other’s
ideas there was time for discussion of more personal concerns and for the
nurturing of good friendships and the making of new ones. My paper ‘‘Active
Recovery’: reflections
on embodied learning’ was the third in what
I’ve come to think of as my grief trilogy. In July 2010 in my paper
‘Auto/Biographical Reflections on Personal and Other Legacies: much more than
money’ (Letherby 2011, 2014) I focused on my relationship with my late father
Ron Thornton (1923-1979) and husband John Shiels (1948-2010) highlighting the
interconnections between us and supporting the continuing bonds approach to
bereavement and loss. In ‘Myself and Other Human Animals (Or Babies and
Bathwater)’ (Letherby 2015) presented at the 2013 summer conference I continued
my analysis to include my experience of grieving for my mother Dorothy Thornton
(1931-2012). This year I extended my argument further reflecting particularly
on my experience over the past couple of years. In the paper I focus on various occupations, including my changing writing style (this
blog included) a new engagement with physical exercise and the experience of
retraining to become a civil celebrant with the UK Society of Civil Celebrants
(UKSOC). For me these experiences have been important emotionally, physically
and intellectually and have led me to argue for an embodied, sociological
understanding of grief. In addition to giving a paper my book He, Himself and I (which is a further
development of my 2010 paper) was launched at the conference and I will be ever
grateful to the Auto/ Biography Study Group for their support in the production
of this project (and my other related work as highlighted here) and their
positive responses to it/them.
Letherby G
(2011) ‘Auto/Biographical Reflections on Personal and Other Legacies: much more
than money’ in Sparkes A (ed) Auto/Biography Yearbook Durham: BSA
Auto/Biography Study Group
Letherby G
(2014) He, Himself and I:
reflections on inter/connected lives Durham: BSA Auto/Biography Study Group
Letherby G
(2015) ‘Bathwater, Babies and Other Losses: A Personal and Academic Story’ Mortality: Promoting the interdisciplinary study of death and dying 20(2)
The theme of the ceremony that I am preparing in consultation with
the happy couple is vintage, village fete. The ceremony itself is taking place
in a village hall and following this all guests will have the opportunity to
indulge in some fete day games and activities in the grounds. All key players
will be wearing a combination of red, white and blue and I'm already planning
my outfit. 
